A · daughter · of · Gaia..

Wow...It's been a while since I have posted on here. Almost two years. >.< I guess it's what happens when you have been busy with other stuff lol. So updates.......there's a lot so we will sum it up. Work sucks...got a raise in the shit hill, Relationship...rocky, friends great, art...procrastinating, WoW...need to stop playing it for a while, car...lets just say I picked a fight with a telephone pole and I lost, new car...hand me down from mate's mom, family...crazy as ever, money...never enough. There I think that is a big enough update.

So...can't remember if I listed websites or not. So here are some quick updates:

http://www.furaffinity.net/user/mai/
http://drkcrystalangel.deviantart.com/
http://golddragonmai.sheezyart.com/
http://www.myspace.com/drkcrystalangel
http://www.myyearbook.com/?mysession=cmVnaXN0cmF0aW9uX3Byb2ZpbGUmdXNlcmlkPTExODY0OTk2
http://www.youtube.com/user/drkcrystalangel
http://www.gaiaonline.com/profiles/12498234
http://www.facebook.com/#!/Golden.Dragoness

That's all I can think of right now. Other than that nothing else is new. But I will leave you with these parting words:

"Pay no mind what other voices say, they don't care about you, like I do. Safe from pain and truth and choice and other poison devils."

Many thing in my life I do not understand. I wish that I could close my eyes click my heels together and say there is no place like home. But sadly that is never to happen. Why am I always the one who is stuck in the middle of everyone no matter how hard I try to stay out of everything. I learned my lesson about getting involved in things I shouldn't and I still regret it, but I chalk it up to my own personal weakness and my inability to say no when everything else says yes.

I am still employed at Arby's, still haven't gotten to that shift manager position yet *sigh* But I am so sick and tired of people telling me to find another job at someplace that pays more than what I am making. FUCK OFF!!! I actually like my job! The people are nice, give or take a lot off the petty bickering that goes on but that is expected at ANY work place. The managers are all nice, and I don't really have to pretend that I am someone else while I am there. And screw getting a second job. I barely get enough sleep as it is let alone getting a second job and having little to no sleep and have no social life. I'm sorry...what little of it I have, I like to have a little bit of a life.

Sadly I am still not seeing anyone, but hey what more could I expect. I am not the kind of woman men want. I am not pretty, or petite, or skinny, or quiet, or completely submissive. I am a big girl, that is loud, independent, and I enjoy being who I am though I would like to become skinner because yes it is healthier. But don't get me wrong, I am not one of these EXTREMELY huge women that make you want to burn your eyes out and run away. I have extra fat but I do carry it very well. I just wish that men would get over their petty bullshit about being with EXTREMELY skinny girls. And sure people say that there are skinny guys out there that like bigger girls....*looks around* Yeah about that, I have been single for 6 years now, I am sure that they are just hiding under a rock...in outer space. And the people that would like to "be" with me, are guys that I am really not into and all they would like is a big fat girl that is gullible so that they can fuck her and run because they know she'll take whatever she can get. *sniffle* I really hate guys. I mean truthfully I would turn lesbian if I could, but there is only one person I would go les for, but yeah....gonna leave that stone unturned.

I truthfully hate being me. Plain and simple. At times I just wish that I was invisible so that I wouldn't have to deal with the lies everyone has to tell me, just so that I would feel better about myself. I hate it when people lie to me. I know I am worthless and a horrible friend. Just tell it to my face, don't sugar coat it with lies and flattery. If I look like shit tell me don't tell me I look good or I wear something well...don't let me embarrass myself just because you were being nice. At time I wish that I was never born, but I know better than to actually wish that. I mean I wish my dad would actually tell me that he wished I was a boy instead of a girl, of how he probably wished that he would have never made me instead of having to deal with looking at my ugly face every now and then. I bet all of you are tired of seeing me...I know I would because I hate myself and I am sure all of you do too...s stop lying to me AND TELL ME THE TRUTH!!! I am begging all of you, spare me all the pain and heart ache and tell me what you really think about me! Spare me all the wasted tears that I have cried for every each and one of you. Spare me having to be the person comes to when their life isn't going the way they wanted it too. I don't care about the fact that the person you love doesn't love you back, I don't care if you're not with the person you want to be with. I don't care if you hate me for this but I am tired of tearing myself apart for the sake of all of you! I'm tired of being your doormat or your pity fuck or your desperate mistake because the person you wanted wasn't around. I am not a dog that you can kick around and you can't make me jump at your every beck and call. I know I am not much of a person, but I am one, or at least what little of me is left. I really hate all of you but I am terrified of losing all of you. Because I do need all of you at times because my own insanities tear me apart every day. I am tired of wearing my mask...I want to take it off for once. If I'm sad comfort me because you care not just because you want to pretend to care for me. If I love/like you, give me a chance to show you who I really am and not this fake person you all see. For once I'd like to be me. For once I'd like to wake up saying that it feels great to be me instead of waking up and wanting to run from all of you. Gods I hate feeling this way. I'm tired of crying and I am tired of being sad and terrified. Just for a day I wish that I could be loved and treated the way I want to be and not the way people think I should be treated. Just once.

Change is something that happens in all of our lives. Though at times we refuse to move foward with the times and trends, we eventually give in and accept what is happening and fall into the crowd so to speak. But why does change have so much say so in the things we do. We change our appearance for others, we changes our mannerisms for people, we change our lifestyles for people. Why then I ask does change have such a tight grip on all of us. What if one day we were to refuse change...would the world stop, would things cease to be in existence because we didn't do what was expected of us? Ah, and there in lies the question that drives most of us into insanity.

What..if. Two words that can destroy a single line of thought and drive someone off into the deep end. What if this, what if that...what if, what if, what if. Two little words that can cause the strong to fall prey to the weak. The powerful into the powerless. Why? What is it with these words that cause such a great change in people? It's like the bird taking it's first steps from the nest spreadying it's wings and readying itself to fly confident that he/she will succeed. That is until one single realization comes to mind: What if I fall?

What...if. Now you think about it. "what if she's right?" you catch yourself thinking. And like that the change has begun, starting in the pit of your stomach and working it's way up. So again I ask...why do we let change affect us so? I'll leave that answer to you.

Regret is something we all live with every day...regret over something you did, or regret about something you said. Though most like to ignore the fact that they feel it...others live with the pain and hurt it has caused. Not only the pain it brought to others...but the pain that it causes you inside and out. The feeling of being trapped in a room with no air, or drowning, or the feeling of someone tearing you apart from the inside is what regret can feel like. But no matter what you do it will never go away. A thousand apologies can be said and a thousand gifts can be bought but nothing ever really makes the pain stop. At times the thought of just one painful moment and then sweet sleep is at times alluring and welcomed. But as now a days it is considered the cowards way out. But back when men were men and women were women it was considered a gentelman's way out, a way to keep your dignity. *sad chuckle* How simpler things were back then...but now in these desperate and almost chaotic times taking the gentelman's way out is in a way letting them win. So I think I will stay around for a little longer. As they say, what doesn't kill you makes you stronger...I hope.

Have you ever loved someone you could never have no matter how much you wished it so?
Have you ever wished you could tear your heart out and give it to them and say I am yours now and forever?
Have you ever wished that the one you loved would take you in his/her arms and confess their never ending love you you, but you know that's something they would never do?
Have you ever thought that is they would give you a chance they would see how much better you were?
Have you ever thought that you would die for this person if given the opportunity?
Have you ever loved someone so much that it hurts to be away from that person?
Have you ever cried because that person doesn't love you in return?
Have you ever wishes you could end it all just to prove your love to them?
Have you ever wanted to feel that persons lips against your own?
Have you ever wanted to touch them just to touch them?
Have you ever confessed your love for them and never told them?
Have you ever wished things could be different?
Have you ever wished that the pain would stop?
Have you ever wished that you could save them from everything around them?
Have you ever wanted to be ravished by the desire and passion of his/her kiss?

I have...

I say this here because I know you won't read this.
I love you, I need you.
I see you crumbling inside from the pressures around you.
How much I want to take you into my arms and make the shadows fade away.
But the power I posses is not strong enough to save you.
I love you, I want you.
I say that I must tear myself away from you
but in my heart I am dying to be with you.
Your touch sends flames of passion thru my body
as your tears of sadness stain your cheeks.
Let me comfort and save you from what demons plague you.
Let me be there to catch you, let me be there to save you.
I love you...
I love you...
I love you...

People are funny beings. I mean we are born, we grow, and we learn. But when you think about it, half of the things we learn will never truthfully be used in the work force...so half of the shit is just BS because the "GOVERNMENT" says we have to learn this pointless shit because they think everyone should know that. But what most people don't see or often smack down, is that people who are smart and try to apply it get slapped down for knowing something that they don't know or get called, if you are still in school, geeks and nerds.

But that's off topic. But you learn...and while you are learning you are told that if you work and work hard all of that effort will pay off....*looks around* Yeah about that....I am still waiting for all of my work to pay off. And what have I got to show for it? Not a damn thing. It's all a lie, a cleaver ruse if you will to make you work yourself until you can no longer work and can no longer be used in the work force so that someone younger and just as stupid as you were will take your place leaving you where? In your late sixties with a retirement check that you will never truthfully ever get to spend because you are going to die before you can either: A)Use it to either shower you family with gifts, B) You're too damn old to do any of the things that you wanted to do long ago, or C) The money is spent to pay for your funeral. Yeah....

But again off topic. We are told this lie of working hard to get what we want. Parents why are you STILL lying to your children. I mean to some having a house and a family "may" be what you deem as having all of your hard work paying off for you...but if you truthfully look at it, you have found a person that can stand you, your annoying habits, and settle down to have children with you. After how many tries of sleeping with a variety of people and going through numerous relationships that never seem to have a happy ending. I'm sorry but that is not your hard work working for you.

And yes, some may deem that working and getting a paycheck as being the payoff for working hard...but lets face it. What are you going to do when you get that paycheck? Pay Rent, house payments, bills, ect...ect...So all that hard work goes to people that make more money than you do and then they argue with you when you try to convince them that you paid what ever bill it was on time but they are still charging you for that month or payment again. So you spend time working your fingers to the bone, paying money out the ass to bills that are WAY to high because the "government" is broke and has to tax the whole living shit out of you just because they say they need the money to send provisions to a country that you could REALLY care less about. So is that really you're happy ending? Then your views are terribly askew my friends.

But that is why I think people are funny things...you base your lives on a lie and keep making the same mistake over and over again. Why? Why do we do this? Why do we tell our children the same lie that our parents told us? I think when the vicious cycle is finally broken I think we can finally start to recover for our fore fathers mistakes. I hope.

WHY ARE GUYS SO DAMN INFURIATING?!?! I mean seriously!!! Why are you so damn afraid of commitment!!! Huh? I mean my gods! Was there a reject stamp placed upon my ass when I was born I mean seriously!!! Isn't there any decent old romatics out there that still believe in chivalry and romancing their women or am I just holding my breath? I mean is there one decent cute looking guy that isn't afraid of an indepentant women that isn't a pervert?!?!?! Oh no...a woman who can think for herself!!! Stay away from her! I'll take the stupid, skinny, blond, bimbo that can't cook or even operate a fucking washer and dryer right there!!! I MEAN COME ON!!!!!! What is you're problem!!! GAH!!! You know just because someone on the outside may not look like a friggin model or an actress, can't you at least give that person a chance! Just because someone is fat, or somewhat homely, or too skinny or of a different race doesn't mean you need to rule them out automatically just because of that! All of you are just vain, arrogant, assholes that wouldn't know a decent woman if she landed right in your lap!